My Funny Valentine
by Peregrine2
Summary: After a new guy invades Kat's life, Patrick and Mandella join forces.
1. Chapter 1

My Funny Valentine-Patrick/Mandela, Rated K+ just in case.

Summary: Patrick [SH] and Mandela find common ground.

**Note**: Patrick and Mandela seemed to be on better terms in the season finale, so I thought I would try pairing them up as..._gasp_...friends. As for Bow Tie Guy, he is based solely on a casting call spoiler.

I've been in a non-writing funk for a long time, for personal and professional reasons. In any case, here is what has been rattling around in my head for the past few weeks.

[SH]

Our suspension ended all too soon and we were back in school by the following Thursday.

Between us, we'd painted a living room and regrouted Wally's bathroom.

Pleasing Kat was enough of a chore without adding general contracting to the list. I was beyond exhausted and almost happy to return to another day in paradise.

We passed a very sweet Thursday and she dropped the bomb on Friday after a heavy makeout session.

"My Dad wants me to date other guys."

I feigned indifference. "So how does this work, do I get to see you on alternate weekends and holidays?"

She rolled her eyes. "Be serious."

I folded my arms against my chest. "_Trust _me, you won't like serious."

"_Try _me."

One of my hi-di-hos gave me the eye as she passed and I flashed a wolfish smile. "I get to see other girls. Why should you have all the fun?"

Her cheeks reddened. "Look, I don't...it's not my idea."

"Flushed away," I said under my breath, but she caught it anyway.

"Excuse me?"

Kat never missed a trick, so I said, "All that independent thinking."

"That's not true. Didn't I just walk out of school and get my ass suspended?" She knotted her nail-bitten fingers before jamming them in her pockets.

"So what? You've turned backpedaling into an Olympic sport."

Her umber eyes darkened to onyx. "I thought you understood..."

I cut in rudely, "I _totally _get it, Stratford. You're hell bent on getting into Brown, and will run over anyone who gets in your way."

Her jaw tightened at my tone and she got right up in my face. "Will you let me finish?"

The bell rang and we stared each other down for a long beat. "I think we're done here."

That interlude played incessantly in my head, and rose to a deafening crescendo when I saw her flashing those pearly whites at the debate team captain at every turn. Weeks had passed, but I was no closer to moving on.

******

[SH]

_One perfect day, kissed by the fading gold of the sun dipping beneath the waves._

I looked down at my handiwork and crumpled up my sad poetry attempt in disgust.

Who was I kidding? My hands may work mechanical wonders, but the written word eluded me.

I glanced over to where she was laughing with Bow Tie Guy and felt my gut churn.

We'd had our ten minutes of passion, and I'd lost out to a brain trust.

Wally must be so proud that his little cactus had finally flowered.

"His name is Dex."

The sudden appearance of Mandela shocked me from my reverie. "Huh?"

"As in Charles Michael Dexter the Third."

I raised an eyebrow as she made herself at home on the bench across from me. "Ask me if I care."

Mandela took a single bite of her apple and rolled her eyes. "You _so _do."

Nailed it in one. "When did you get so wise?"

She shrugged and took another bite. "He's taking her out on Valentine's Day."

"_Aww_, should I send them hearts and flowers?"

"On your salary?"

I made a face and Mandela smiled as I got to my feet and stalked off.

His name was _Dex_? I would have burst a gut laughing if I wasn't already dying inside.

[Mandela]

I was on the other side of that gate when they rode off in the sunset.

Cheesy, I know, but they did it with such style.

Why do people like them always have the best exit strategies?

But seriously, what I mostly remember about that day was how wrong I was about Patrick Verona.

Yeah, he could totally mess with you if he wanted, but most of it was bluster. And since we had teamed up for a common cause, things had changed.

Take my fear and loathing. _Totally _gone. It was like somebody pulled the plug on my conspiracy theories and slipped in a happy chip. I'd worn my fear like armor from the moment Patrick kicked the back of my chair at Muir Elementary. He was the one that _always _got the class in trouble, even when his only sin was a perpetual smirk.

Puberty happened, and he morphed from this little shrimp into a formidable opponent. He took on all comers, and suspension became a way of life for him.

Until _Kat _stormed into our lives.

Dazzling raven perfection with a brain.

Staring down Patrick Verona without the slightest quiver of fear.

And that kung fu tongue? Totally awesome when it was directed at someone else.

So color me dazzled six ways to Sunday.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: One of my readers was confused about the timeline, so I reordered chapters 1 and 2 and posted them as Chapter 1. Sorry for any confusion. I am adding this note as a placeholder so the chapter sequence doesn't confuse anyone.


	3. Chapter 3

3

Music note: This installment was fueled by Earlimart, Matt Pond PA, Garbage, and the Comsat Angels.

Mandela

I can't believe I spoke to Patrick Verona.

The world must be coming to an end. There's no other explanation.

Yet, pigs are not flying in my airspace, and the sky is definitely not falling.

So what the hell was happening?

My thought whorls dizzied me as I sat across from Kat in the coffee shop. We met here once a week for a bitchfest, and this week's target was our favorite bad boy.

She went on and on about him blowing her off and not returning texts or calls (they were _so _much alike in that regard), and how she'd thought they'd had a _connection_.

I followed her animated hands before trying to refocus on her face.

Kat looked particularly fetching in a form-fitting purple tunic over fatigues and I tried to ignore its effect on me.

"So here's what I think," I offered when she finally let me get a word in. "Let it be. Give him time to cool down and try again."

"It's been two weeks."

"Maybe he needs a month."

"That's like an _epoch _in caveman time."

I had nothing else to offer, except maybe my undying love. Now _that _was a lost cause, because Kat was as straight and true as a slide rule. And I was the idiot that had entertained thoughts about hooking up with someone like her.

It's always been girls with me. From a young age, I knew that being different wasn't limited to my predilection for artsy black and poetry slams. It was an intrinsic part of me, not something that I paraded once a year on Pride Day.

And then it hit me like a thunderbolt. Maybe the reason I'd lost my fear was that I'd succumbed to the same tangled Kat web that bound up Patrick Verona.

[SH}

I picked up the phone and called Jess. "Hey, you up for some dark wave?"

There was dead silence on the other end before his snicker cut in. "Who's the chick?"

"Nobody." My tone was blase, but my oldest friend knew me better than anyone.

"First you're into Gandhi, and now you expect me to stomach some multi-pierced freak with dayglo hair?"

OK, so maybe I had taken a crash course on civil disobedience, but this was different. "Aw, she's not that bad."

"Aha, I _knew _it. So who's your latest fetish?"

I'm pretty sure my eye roll transmitted itself over the line. "It's like I said, nobody special. Just some girl I talk to sometimes."

OK, maybe _talk _was a bit optimistic. More like ducking and running for cover, like all the other lemmings at Padua.

"Is this one of your Lucy connections?"

I snickered at his Peanuts reference. "Maybe. So are you in?"

His melodramatic sigh made me crack up all over again. "I suppose. Are we talking about Miasma or Fog?"

They were competing Goth clubs on opposite street corners. "It's Miasma all the way. See you around 10."

Garbage was playing there tonight, and they were one of Mandela's favorite bands. She didn't have their name tattoed on her heart, but from the doodles I'd caught in her notebook, she had a major jones for Shirley Manson. 


	4. Chapter 4

4

Note: This installment was accompanied by The Postal Service, REM, Psychedelic Furs, PJ Harvey, South, Division of Laura Lee, The Verve, Ultravivid Scene, and The Rifles.

[Mandela]

I work at Miasma. My friend's (Danielle) uncle owns it, and he pays better than the cheap bastards who run Fog. Silvio gets all the best bands, and everyone knows it. That's why he's floating in dough and near to putting Fog out of business. Coming here tonight was an easy choice, because I scored free tickets and it's _Garbage_. Danielle has the front tables reserved, and I was so there. Kat was coming (the good doctor was out of town), and her new squeeze was apparently squiring her.

That blew my mind. This dude..._Dex_...he didn't fit. Kat and I were square pegs and he was a sweater vest wearing geek who'd minored in the A/V club. Apparently his Mom was a MILF that Walter had latched onto at a potluck supper and now their progeny were commingling. It creeped me out, and I was not easily flustered...well, except for soul-stealing, flesh-eating dudes who turned out to be human after all.

Of course, that was the moment when SH decided to text me (yeah, that's what the local skanks call him) and begged for a free ticket.

**How'd you get this number?**

_Does it matter?_

**You went through Kat's address book.**

_Hey, she's the one who drunk dialed me and then passed out. _

**And that makes it OK to go through her stuff?**

_What are you, my mother?_

I could see his smirk form in front of my face.

**Why should I give you a ticket?**

_To buy my friendship? lol_

**This is the sound of me not laughing.**

_Seriously, I'd love to see Garbage and I spent my last paycheck fixing my bike._

That had a ring of truth in it, though I suspected he had an ulterior motive.

**OK, I'll leave your name at the door. You bringing someone?**

_Yeah, can you add Jess Lyons to the list?_

**Sure, but you owe me.**

_Of course I do. Can't wait till you come collecting. See you there._

He signed off with the initials SH and that brought a smile to my face.

This could prove to be an interesting night, both for the music and the possibility of unscheduled fireworks.

*****  
[SH]

The dude spinning was playing Big Exit by PJ Harvey when we arrived, and followed it up with Division of Laura Lee.

I heartily approved and was mildly surprised that it wasn't the Sisters of Mercy or The Cure. Not that I minded them in small doses, but there was only so much gloominess I could stand before I was ready to slit my wrists.

The club was redolent with pot smoke and stuffed to the rafters with Goths, Goth wannabes, and Twilight fans. Not sure how any of them tied into Garbage except for the copious amount of eyeliner that Shirley Manson spackled on. I loved her voice, but I didn't get the fan girl attraction. Nip slips aside, Shirley was a run of the mill rock singer who veered close to Debbie Harry territory. I'd take the Blondie classics anyday (by way of The Nerves), but hey, how could I complain? This was totally free, and maybe I'd get some insight into what was driving Kat toward Poindexter.

A quick scan of the room drew my eyes straight to the front, where Mandela and Kat were laughing. As my mind threw out plans of action, it stopped dead when I caught sight of a pin-striped arm draped over Kat's shoulder. My breath huffed out in annoyance. "You gotta be kidding me."

Jess followed the direction of my gaze and a slight smile curled the corner of his mouth. "It's been Gandhi all along."

"Yeah," I said, not liking the ugly thrumming in my head as jealousy roared through me. "He doesn't belong here."

"And you do?"

My brows raised as I looked down at my all black ensemble, which perfectly mirrored the sea of fans raising their fists as Shirley took the stage. "Yeah."

Jess shook his head with a laugh. "So what? He's got the girl."

My fists tightened as their heads came together. "How can she prefer _that_?"

"Why not ask her yourself? Oh wait, you've been ignoring her calls and texts."

I was trying to preserve what little dignity I had left. "OK, so maybe that was the wrong tack."

"You _think_?" Jess's words were lost in the ear piercing intro to Bad Boyfriend.

And where were my ear plugs? Left at home, with all my good sense.

Why was I chasing after someone who'd decided I wasn't good enough? Because maybe, just maybe...I had _fallen _for her.

With that startling epiphany, everything I'd been feeling and doing suddenly made a whole lot more sense.  
*****


	5. Chapter 5

5

[Mandela]

I am normally a quiet person, but I can hold my own when someone ticks me off. Kat and Dex rambled at length during the show, which annoyed me almost as much as people singing at the top of their lungs (there is a reason karaoke is banned from Miasma).

Subtlety was not my strong suit, so when one of the songs ended, I grabbed them both by the arms. "Do you mind?"

Dex looked down his nose at me, and for that alone, I wanted to slug him. "What seems to be the problem?"

Kat looked a bit sheepish as I got right up in his face. "Are you kidding? This is a musical venue, not Frontline."

He looked at Kat and she shrugged. "Maybe we should leave."

Dex shook his head. "No way I'm leaving after wasting thirty bucks on this..._music_."

Something snapped inside me, and I had to back away before I took his head off. "Suit yourself." A germ of an idea came to mind, and I shoved against him roughly as I exited. He was so oblivious that he never noticed me lifting his wallet and slipping it into my pocket.

I got to the back as Garbage charged into Metal Heart. Ignoring my instinct to start bobbing with the crowd, I pushed my way through and nearly stumbled over someone's Doc Martens. A strong hand grabbed my forearm and when I looked up, I was startled to see Patrick Verona peering down at me. "Thanks."

"Leaving so soon?" he said.

"I have an errand to run, but I'll be back."

Patrick spotted my empty chair at the table next to Kat. "Mind if I take your seat?"

There were endless ways this could go, and all of it would be fun. With a wide grin, I extended my arm and said, "Be my guest."

[SH]

Mandela was giving up a front row seat for one of her favorite bands? That was so epic I did a double take as she scooted past us to the nearest exit.

"Is that Lucy?" Jess asked between numbers.

"Mandela."

"Daughter of Sunshine and Zen?"

I smirked. "Something like that."

"And that chat you mentioned?"

My shrug was all the answer I had. "Want to come with?"

"Naw, I'd rather watch from the sidelines."

"Suit yourself."

I slid through the crowd like a knife through soft butter. A few girls I'd boned touched my arm in passing and I gave them nothing but a curt nod as I finally came abreast of Kat and her new squeeze. "Hey," I said.

Kat gave me a hard stare as I took the chair next to her. "What the hell are you doing here?"

It was hard not to smile. "Sitting."

"That seat is reserved." Like that ever stopped me before.

"So what?"

She kicked my chair. "Is this your way of paying me back?"

"For what?" I said barely above a whisper, more to frustrate an eavesdropping Dex than anything else.

"You _know _what for."

"Naw. I just like seeing you sweat." And wasn't that the truth, for an oily, sweaty Kat was the sexiest thing on the planet.

That last bit was loud and intended to incite rage. "Oh, yeah, and how do you like this?" Kat elbowed me hard and I chortled at the sight of her fist balling up.

"Chill, will ya? I was joking."

Dex chose that moment to assert his manhood, and he looked so ridiculous in his starched stripes and bow tie that I slid off my chair and collapsed in laughter on the floor. "Stand up," he ordered, his double chin quivering with outrage.

Garbage launched into Bad Boyfriend, and the irony of that was not lost on me. Choking back a laugh, I straightened to my full height and gave Dex my best vulture stare. "You do not want to fuck with me." My low, menacing tone made him pale and he took a step back.

Kat's breath hissed out as she growled, "You are unbelievable."

"Am I supposed to believe you care about this stiff?" I shot back, fingers brushing against hers for a moment.

A jolt shot between us and I knew she felt it too. "I don't care _what _you believe," Kat said fiercely. "Now will you please leave?"

"Since you put it so nicely..." I let my voice trail off and threw Dex my patented smirk before I shoved my way out the door with Jess in tow.


	6. Chapter 6

6

[Mandella]

I'm not sure what prompted me to help Verona. He and I share a #1 crush, but for me it's only an impossible dream. I should hate him for taking her away from me, but that never really happened, did it? I never even got to the starting blocks with Kat, so trashing every guy that comes along is pointless.

So I can't hate him, and I see the way he looks at her when she's not watching. He's never been like this with anyone, and when I see her radiance reflected in his eyes, it's like looking in a mirror.

We both feel it, and since I've dubbed myself the patron saint of lost causes, I might as well help him.

Only, there's this Chucklehead at her side, and I couldn't figure it out.

How could Kat give this doofus the time of day? He was arrogant, prissy, and far too full of himself. This was 2010, not the set of Happy Days. If I squinted really hard, I could admit that he was passable in a certain light...like maybe a moonless night or something.

But someone as vibrant and gorgeous as Kat should have an equally stunning companion, and dude, Chuck wasn't it.

I'd seen them arrive in his broken down jeep (what, no BMW for his majesty?) and it planted something in my mind that was now coming to sweet fruition.

If petty theft and vandalism were what it took to throw Chuck under the bus, then I was all in.

With my prize clutched in my hand, I started back toward the door and nearly got sideswiped by Verona and his hunky friend.

"Watch it, Lucy."

Now _that _caught me up short. I whirled around to face the hunk and said, "_What _did you call me?"

Patrick laughed. "Just ignore him. He's been drinking the Koolaid."

I tried to hide my dirty deed behind my back but Verona was quick as a snake and he snatched it out of my hand. "Dude, look what the good doctor brought us."

Now I got the Peanuts reference. "You want to unload, Verona? Meet me tomorrow at Jake's."

His lips quirked at the mention of my favorite coffee house. "I can't be seen there."

"Yeah? You afraid or something?"

That brought out his usual smirk. "Should I be? I heard those poetry slams get pretty violent."

I smacked his arm and held out my hand. "Give it back."

He returned my booty. "Might be worth my while to wait this one out."

We were both thinking along the same devious lines. "Could be."

[SH]

I'd never pictured Mandella as a sneaky wench, but she'd proven to be quite enterprising. "You may have a future in clandestine services." Our butts were parked on the stone wall that bordered the parking lot, and it provided a fine vantage point.

She made a face at my comment but quickly sobered. "Here they come."

"This could backfire on us."

"Not a chance."

Kat and Dex approached the Jeep and got in without a word, which broke Kat's previous dance floor record of three whole minutes of silence. "Wow, she's really got her panties in a twist."

Mandella rolled her eyes. "Wonder how that happened."

I put a finger to my lips as Dex tried to start his Jeep. "Wait for it," I whispered with glee.

After several minutes, they both got out and I could hear Dex fuming. He raised the hood and shone his flashlight inside, but I knew he would never notice what was missing. "Damnit," he said in a loud voice. "Someone sabotaged my car."

"_Sabotaged_?" Kat was brightly illuminated by the sodium vapor light in the parking lot, and her shoulders were shaking with suppressed laughter.

"And I bet I know who's responsible." Dex fished in his pocket for a phone and it slid through his slippery fingers to the ground and splintered into a million pieces. "Christ, this is all his fault."

"Whose fault?" Kat asked with folded arms.

"That thug engineered this whole event to make me look bad."

This was my cue to enter and save the day. "Wish I could take the credit, dude, but I never touched your ride."

They both jumped at my sudden appearance. "Can this night get any worse?" Dex moaned.

Oh yeah, it sure could. Chuck was going down, and I was there to help his descent. "Mind if I take a look?" I said casually, grinning at Kat's murderous look as I grabbed the flashlight out of Dex's grip and examined his engine. After a moment of quiet contemplation that allowed me to hear him gnashing his teeth, I handed his light back to him. "Better call a tow truck. Someone swiped your distributor cap."

"No thanks to you." Dex's fingers twisted as he looked between the ruins of his phone and the open maw of his Jeep.

I put up my hands. "Hey, I had nothing to do with this." Kat watched my face and nodded slightly, knowing the truth when she heard it.

"We'll see if the police agree."

Kat finally came to my defense. "Charles, he didn't do this."

"Of course you would defend him."

Her brows came together and I sensed a storm brewing. "I think you're overreacting. We can use my phone to call AAA, and..."

Dex cut her off. "I don't have AAA."

I worked at a garage with 24 hour service. With a flip of my fingers, I handed him a card. "Call Epstein's. He'll have you fixed up in a jiffy."

His nose wrinkled. "Friend of yours?"

"Boss."

Now the dude was sneering. "Of course he is. And I suppose he'll rip me off."

I could feel my own temper start to slip through the walls I kept in place. "Look, I'm trying to help..."

Kat moved closer to me. "And we _totally _appreciate it, don't we, Charles?"

He was down on his knees scooping up telephone remains and glared up at us. "I had this phone for 9 years."

I turned my face away to hide my grin. Kat coughed a few times and said, "And we'll give it a proper burial."

Dex shot to his feet. "Are you mocking me?"

"Not at all." Kat held out a plastic bag and opened it as Dex dumped in wires, metal and plastic phone bits, and an incredibly long antenna.

"Want me to call the garage?"

Dex started jabbing angrily at Kat's phone. "I've got it covered. You can go now."

I started to move off and hit my forehead as I turned. "There's just one little thing, dude. Epstein's is cash or check only."

His fingers froze. "That's ridiculous. Everyone takes plastic."

"'Fraid not. It'll be fifty to come out, and the going rate for mileage between here and the garage."

His mouth opened in horror at the thought of paying anyone a fair wage for work performed on his behalf. Then he dug into his back pocket and his face turned a particularly vile shade of puce. "No no no, this can't be happening."

"What?"

"That bitch stole my wallet."

"What are you saying?" Kat's voice rose in annoyance.

"Your friend is a thief."

"Oh, yeah? Prove it." Kat's hackles were up and I wanted to applaud.

"She bumped against me, and she must have taken it then," Dex said helplessly.

"Did you actually see her take it?" I asked with a raised brow.

"No, but..."

"Then you don't have a case," I said simply.

Dex opened his mouth to protest, but his words were drowned out by a sudden clap of thunder. Lightning flashed almost on top of it, and the skies opened up and started drenching us to the skin. I kicked at a stone with my foot, and knowing I had them, I asked, "So, does anyone need a lift?" 


	7. Chapter 7

7

[SH]

Kat started to follow me, but was jerked back by Dex's hand on her arm. "Where the hell are you going? You're with me."

This wasn't the time for niceties. "Are you kidding? I'm freezing, and he's got heat."

"If you go with him, then we're done." It was hard to look resolute when you were soggier than a wet blanket, but Dex did his best.

"We started and you didn't tell me? _Damn_." Kat snapped her fingers and looked at me. "Let's get out of here."

I dashed for the truck and she was so close on my heels that our heads collided at the door. "Hard-headed woman," I said with a wince.

"You betcha. Mind opening the door, Jeeves?"

I held the door as she got in and slammed it shut with my usual smirk. By the time I reached the driver's seat, my black blazer was sluicing water at a faster clip than Miasma's broken drain pipe. "Good thing I left the leather at home."

Kat looked at me through a sodden mass of curls but said nothing as I put the truck in gear. As I came abreast of Prince Charles, I opened the window and called, "Sure you don't want a ride?" His only answer was an extended middle finger that made us both laugh.

"Wanna tell me what just went down?"

"Which part?" I delighted in turning the questions back on people, for it often got me out of actual answers.

Her smile was tight. "How about the part where you and Mandella are in cahoots? What the fuck is that about?"

I shrugged as we came to a traffic stop. "Want to dry off at my house? I live three blocks from here."

Her face was a chiaroscuro of red light and deep shadow. "You promise to behave?"

I grinned and held up my hand as the light changed. "Scout's honor."

"Cut it. You were never a scout."

"Oho, so now you're an expert on my life?"

She tapped her forehead. "Ever hear of women's intuition?"

"Yeah, you're all psychics. What else?"

Kat looked me over thoroughly. "You don't seem like the type."

"I have a _type_? Enlighten me."

She snorted. "Guess you flunked Bad Boy 101."

"So what else is new? F is the new A, haven't you heard?" If I'd majored in detention, I could have skipped high school entirely.

We arrived at my house and I parked my Aunt Rachel's truck in the back. "Anyone home?"

"Just my aunt, and she's probably conked out on the couch with the TV on."

"And she snores?"

"Like a lumberjack."

Kat followed me inside but stopped when I headed for the stairs. "You make a great statue, but you're not getting any dryer."

"True." She kept her distance as I shoved through the double doors to my loft and turned on some lights. She headed straight for my bookcase and I heard a surprised huh as she caught sight of my James Joyce novels mixed in with Tolkien. "Interesting collection."

"Glad you approve. I put some clothes in the bathroom you can change into."

She cocked her head. "From one of your many conquests?"

"I wish." With a smirk intended to get her dander up, I folded my arms and laughed when she slammed the door in my face.

Figuring she would be a few minutes, I stripped off my shirt and kicked my jeans into the hamper. My briefs were also soaked and at the exact moment I stepped out of them, the bathroom door opened.  
*****


	8. Chapter 8

8

[SH]

_Inhabit me I need to feel your touch  
Inhabit me please 'cause I want you this much  
I want to feel the hands of you  
Let me explore the lands of you in touch_

Shut your Mouth, Lyrics by Astrid Williamson

Kat's mouth opened and she blinked a few times as she took in my full monty. "Wow, you are...you should get dressed."

"And spoil the view? Not a chance."

Her flushed cheeks belied the challenge in her gaze. "Aha, I was right. No Boy Scouts in this house."

"Only the Trojan kind." My comment made her color even further as I grabbed some clean laundry and made myself decent.

My hands started to stretch a white tee shirt over my head, but her fingers on my arm stopped me. "Don"t."

That simply uttered word nearly shattered my self-control. It was fraught with pent up longing and passion that only I could unleash. That gave me such a rush that I took a step back, realizing I had this power but chose not to tap into that vein just yet. "C'mere, Stratford." To my surprise, Kat came right to me and slid her hands up to my shoulders. She rested her head against my chest and as I wrapped my arms around her waist, I noted (not for the first time) how perfectly our bodies fit together.

We hugged for a long time (I never hugged anyone until Aunt Rach took me in) and Kat almost purred when she finally sagged against me. "Mmm...we should talk or something."

"Sure. Floor or bed?" My desk chair was covered with dirty clothes and the rug at the foot of my bed was currently occupied by the sprawling gray body of my cat Simon.

Kat took my hand and pulled me to the floor next to Simon. "Why don't we lie with the lions?"

"Is that what we are?" I laughed as she stretched out next to the cat, whose motor was now fully engaged as Kat stroked his downy fur.

"Don't flatter yourself. You swim with the sharks."

I stretched my arms upward (I had this down to a science) and watched her eyes nearly pop out as I folded them behind my head. "So, umm...talk?"

Kat sat up and Simon curled into the well between her legs (a man after my own tastes). "My idea, right. So I have to know, how did you pull it off?"

"I didn't lift a finger. It all fell into place."

Her laugh said she wasn't buying it. "That's strange. Typically, cute boys are _very _good liars."

"And you know a good line when you steal one. Seriously, I had _nothing _to do with it."

"Then maybe you bribed someone."

"With what money? I had to beg Mandella for comp tickets."

"Huh.' Kat chewed on her lip as she digested that information. "Why would she help you?"

"Do I look like the Oracle? Ask her yourself."

"Mandella and I are...well it's been kind of weird between us." She continued to stroke Simon, who had settled down for as long a winter's nap as he could get away with. Knowing she was cat approved, meeting my aunt would be the next logical step.

"Weird how?"

"Like this vibe...like maybe something's brewing." One of her hands rested close to my thigh and suddenly, she was caressing my leg in unison with her other hand.

Despite appearances, I am not a man of steel, and her soft touch was turning another part of me into hard wood. "It's always storm warnings with you, Stratford."

"Thanks." Kat suddenly noticed where her fingers had strayed and froze. Instead of letting her retreat, I took her hand and pulled her upright. "What are you doing?"

"My butt is falling asleep. Do you mind?" I moved to the side of my bed and propped up some pillows. "I'm lying down. You can do what you want." With that, I turned on some jazz (Miles Davis, Kind of Blue) and resumed my earlier position with arms behind my head. After a short bit of lip chewing and finger twisting, she sat on the far side of the bed with crossed knees.

"Mind telling me why you came to my rescue after blowing me off for two weeks?"

"You were in danger of being bored to death, so I had to take action."

"_Nice_. Want to try that one again?"

I took a deep breath and decided on the truth this time. "You said you wanted to date other guys."

"That's _not _what I said. It's my Dad who wanted me..."

I cut in. "What's the difference? When Wally gives you the evil stare and points, it's all over."

"My Dad is not...OK, maybe he _is _like that, but so what? You just walked away and refused to discuss it with me."

"I don't like to share. Anything wrong with that?"

"No, of course not, but don't you see? I agreed to do it for us."

I snorted. "Tell me another one."

"It's true, Patrick. The only way my Dad would agree to let me see you is if I dated other guys."

There was a twisted logic to that, which scared me more than the thought of Wally's pointing finger (the stuff of nightmares!). "Explain."

"He doesn't want me getting serious with anyone, and he sees..." Her voice trailed off for a moment before she added, "I think it frightens him."

"I know I have this reputation, but I'm really like Simon over there."

Kat smiled and stared at my copious chest hair. "You do have that in common with him."

"And you love it, don't you?" My voice was light, as it needed to be when she was looking at me with heavy lidded eyes and quickened breathing.

"I do, actually." She sidled closer and curled up on her side next to me. Her left hand crept along my arm before tangling in my chest hair.

I caught her hand and raised it to my lips. "Glad to hear it, because I'm a fur factory."

Her quiet laugh tinkled in my ear and triggered some rather naughty impulses, like the one that caused me to catch her leg between mine and pull her hard against me. Or the one where I lifted her hair away from her neck and tasted her skin, alternating between kisses, nibbles, and a swipe of my tongue against her collarbone.

"I didn't...I'm not protected," she said between the kisses I was raining on her mouth.

"Mmm...it's OK. Trust me." Her mouth came back to mine, and it was her who deepened the kiss this time. I leaned back and let her work her magic with those soft, velvety lips, slanting across mine as she slurped at my tongue and drugged me with an endless series of wet, mind-melting kisses. Her mouth moved lower and my spine arched when she reached my pecs. No girl had ever touched me like this, and the fact that she was so into my hairiness turned me on even more.

We broke apart for air and Kat took my hands and placed them at the hem of her shirt. "Do it," she ordered, and I grinned like mad as she raised her arms and shimmied out of Rachel's oversized Padres tee shirt.

And that was the very moment when a knock sounded at my door. "Patrick, is everything OK? I thought I heard voices."

We broke apart like startled deer and I'd never seen anyone get dressed so fast. I pulled my sweat shirt on and strolled over to the door. "Yeah, everything's cool. My friend is hanging with me, and then I'm taking her home."

"Have you eaten? I have a big pot of chili simmering on the stove."

I opened the door and Rachel looked over my shoulder at Kat, who waved weakly from the floor near the cat. "I'm Patrick's Aunt Rachel."

"Kat Stratford. I was just leaving..."

"Oh, no, I insist you stay. We have to put some meat on those bones. Is there anyone I should call?"

"Just my Dad, and he's probably passed out for the night."

Rachel laughed. "I know the feeling, So, come down when you're ready and we'll have a feast."

After she left, Kat asked, "Do I have a choice? I don't eat meat."

"Neither does she."

That seemed to shock her more than what had just transpired between us. "OK, since she's offering...sure."

And with that, we pounded down the stairs like a herd of elephants and descended on the food like starving vultures.  
****


	9. Chapter 9

9

[Mandella]

I returned to the scene of the crime and was happy to see an empty, unlocked Jeep. With the stealth of long practice, I restored the distributor cap and placed his wallet in the glove compartment before locking everything up. He would return with a tow truck and the mechanic would decide (rightly so) that Dex was an idiot.

And if things went according to plan, he would be too tired and pissed off to take Kat out, giving Verona yet another chance to get into her good graces.

She called me at the crack of 6 on Sunday morning. "Do you ever sleep?"

"Sure. I got six hours and just had to call you."

I groaned. "Teenagers are supposed to sleep late."

"Guess I missed the memo on that one. Can I come over?"

"Are you kidding?" I said in horror. "I don't see anyone before 10, and only after very, strong black coffee."

"Venti, right?"

No rest for the wicked. With a sigh, I said, "Sure, see you then."

My days of primping myself for Kat were over. She never even noticed if I moved my piercings around, or drew a fake hole on my nostril, so why would extra special clothes, hair, or makeup even matter to her? I pulled my braids into a ponytail, threw on my running shoes and sweats, and took off for my morning run. It had been slow going at first, but I was going farther and faster every day. So far I was up to three miles, and had shed twenty pounds without trying. But there was so much of me that it would take a huge weight loss before anyone noticed. Ah well, what did it matter? I was doing this for me, not to pick up some like minded girl with pretty tats.

I rounded the corner near Verona's house and nearly collided with a lamp post when I saw him flying toward me from the opposite direction. OMFG, I would never live this down, and there was no way I could outrun him.

"Hey," he said as we met in the middle of the road. "You checking up on me?"

"Sure. I have your route memorized, and I've dispatched my agents to take you out in the park." My feet were impatient to be on my way before my heart rate dropped into a deep canyon.

Patrick's smile lacked its usual mockery. "See? You have CIA written all over you."

"Well, have a good run. I'll see you later at Jake's."

He nodded and continued running in the opposite direction. I was happy he wasn't one of those people who tried to force their company on you when you'd rather be alone. Running was like a mantra, and it gave me ideas for my art and poetry. Tonight's show was going to be fun, and had nothing to do with poetry. Everyone in the audience was expected to participate, and everyone would get judged on the same material.

Lucky for me, I was one of the judges and didn't have to perform tonight. Watching Patrick on stage would be worth the price of admission, and I'd be sure to mention that to Kat when she came by in a few hours.

*****  
Kat appeared at 9:55 and handed me the coffee without another word. "You look like hell," she observed as I padded to the kitchen, where I'd been inhaling my cereal.

"Nice to see you too. This couldn't have waited until later?"

"I have a hot date, remember?" Her sarcastic tone made me laugh.

"Thought you were done with The Dex."

She raised her hands as she emoted. "That's what I thought, but apparently, Charles had a change of heart. Now he wants to double with Dad and his Mom."

The sheer awfulness of that scenario was not lost on me, even in my after run nirvana. "You have to find a way out."

"Fresh out of ideas, I'm afraid, and Dad won't buy illness."

"Sucks having a doctor in the house."

"Tell me about it." Kat took a sip of her grande and sat back. "So, I have you to thank for last night."

Now there was an about face. "Really? I didn't do anything."

"Seems like I've heard that before." Her easy expression said there were no hard feelings. "It appears that Dex's car and wallet were magically restored. Perhaps fairies walk among us."

Uh, yeah, they do, but not the kind she was thinking about. "So how did it go with Verona?"

She flashed a no holds barred kind of grin that made me weak in the knees. "It was pretty awesome, actually. We talked things through, and I think we're good. And damn, his Aunt Rachel makes the best vegetarian chili."

"He _fed _you?" Wow, this was way past serious...it was approaching commitment territory.

"Yeah, and we almost...Rachel interrupted us," Kat admitted with a pleased smile.

"But it will happen again." That was a certainty.

"Oh, God, I hope so." She looked deliriously happy and if Patrick was the reason, then I backed them 100%.

I took a long, satisfied gulp of my coffee as an idea percolated in my head. "Say, if you get out early, come to Jake's around 9."

"You slamming tonight?"

"More like slumming."

"I'll see what I can do. Anything else?"

"Leave Prince Charles at the palace."


	10. Chapter 10

10

[SH]

I'd had more than a few surprises in the last 12 hours, but I think seeing Mandella jogging topped the list. Once I finished my usual five mile circuit, I dropped to the ground and did some stretches before heading around the corner of the house.

Rachel was struggling with something in the back of her truck. "There you are, Pat. Could you help me carry this?"

The trunk was full of plants for her cold frame and a small flowering tree. "What'd you do, buy out the store?"

She stopped and wiped her brow with the back of her hand. "Sam's going out of business. He gave me everything half price."

We'd been going to Sam for at least ten years, and he'd been in business at least three times that long. "That sucks."

I picked up the tree and she directed me to a spot on our glassed in porch where I set it down gently. "Anything else?" I asked with a grin.

She placed a few cardboard flats on the back steps. "Take your pick."

There was a multitude of color and variety and it would be hard to choose. "Are you sure?"

"I bought extra." Her smile flashed before her waterfall of curls fell across her face.

"Thanks. Maybe you could make up something for me? And maybe that small succulent too."

Rachel enjoyed arranging flowers. "Sure. So, do you have any special plans tonight?"

I thought about the coffee house and shook my head. "Naw, just hanging out with some friends."

Her eyes sparkled with mischief. "Will Kat be there?"

That was the 50,000 dollar question. "Don't know."

"Well, I hope you work things out. You two are good together."

Rachel made it sound so simple, and in a perfect world, it would be. "Thanks."

[SH]

I was dripping water all over the tile when the phone rang. Caller ID revealed my favorite CIA wannabe and with a raised brow, I picked up and put the phone on speaker. "What's up?"

"We have a problem."

"Yeah? What's that?"

"She's going out with Charles tonight."

The bottom fell out of my stomach. "No way."

"Way. And they're doubling with Walter and the MILF."

This got better every second, and there were so many ways I could rain on their parade. "That sounds like a treat."

Mandella laughed at my sarcastic tone. "Apparently all is forgiven."

"Aww, that's so sweet. So what's our next move?"

"Storm the fortress before 7, or you'll miss her."

I wrapped the now soggy towel around my waist. "Hmm, maybe she can join us and make it a three way."

"That would be..._interesting_," was all she said before she rang off with a laugh.

The afternoon gave me plenty of time to plot and mull over my next steps, which better be good enough to mow down Wally's pointing finger.

Author's Note: Sorry for the delay. The weekend was crazy, as they all seem to be lately. I had hoped to finish this before tomorrow, but that is not going to happen. I realize that Charles on the show will probably be nice and good looking, but I wanted to have fun with 'the other dude' scenario, plus give Mandella the spotlight for a change. Thanks for the few people who have been following the story. You know who you are.


	11. Chapter 11

11

[Mandella]

Kat's nonchalance about her double date bugged me, so I interrupted her afternoon game of Scrabble. "Why are you stuck dating Chuck tonight?"

Her window rattling sigh seemed to vibrate through my handset. "He ratted me out."

"And Mommy went crying to dear old Dad."

"_Crying_? More like the meltdown of the century."

"And remind me what your Dad sees in her?"

"Major T&A. Any more questions?"

"I thought your Dad was a towering intellectual who eschewed new millennium superficiality." That was almost a direct quote, straight from Wally's mouth on my one junket to the Stratford house.

Her laugh was tinged with bitterness. "That lasted right until he stuck it to her."

"_Eww_. So what are you wearing?"

"Red jacket, black shirt and jeans, purple sneakers."

"Going all out, I see."

"Hey, at least I showered this morning."

"What about Patrick?"

I could almost see the shrug over the phone. "Hasn't called. His loss."

"Don't give up on him. He might surprise you."

"Yeah? You know something I don't?"

"Just...keep your window unlocked."

She tried playing twenty questions with me, but I gave her nothing.

[SH}

"You told her _what_?" I was leaning against the big tree in Kat's front yard when Mandella called me.

"To keep the window unlocked."

Of course she did. "So you spilled."

"Nuh uh."

Well this was going nowhere fast. "Anything else?"

"They're going to that Chinese buffet place that just opened."

"Interesting. That has promise." It was the place where my friend Keith bussed tables when he wasn't auditioning for the Up in Smoke remake.

"By the way, she's playing nice to keep the peace."

I blinked when she hung up without warning. "Huh." It was show time, and if I blew this, the game was up.

[SH}

_But you're always out of reach  
And I can't control my speech  
And I'm scared that when we meet  
I'm fermenting, can't you see  
I want to touch you_

_I Want to Touch You, Lyrics by Catherine Wheel_

My hands were full when I climbed her trellis, and the slippery footing almost planted me in her grass as a permanent lawn jockey. The window was open, and my Kat lady was putting on a show as she sang and danced to Such Great Heights. It was awfully cute watching her skid across the floor and throwing out her arms as only a diva could. I leaned on the window sill and grinned when she twirled around like an Olympic skater (with legs that went on forever) and came to a screeching halt when she spotted me.

"What the hell are you doing here?" That was Kat's standard meet and greet.

I held my hands behind my back. "C'mere and find out."

Kat gave me the Wally stare. "Are you kidding? My Dad will kill us both if he sees you."

"Even on Valentine's Day?" I swept out my hand with a flourish and placed a perfect, red rose on the sill.

"He's not real big on forgiveness."

"Not even for this?" Her eyes lit up as I revealed my next bread crumb, a tiny box of dark chocolate truffles (her favorite).

Kat advanced a few steps and the radiant light in her eyes nearly blinded me. "Organic _and _fair trade? How could you possibly know?"

"I have my ways." My smile widened at her flushed cheeks and her answering smile burned me from the inside out.

"Then you must be bankrupt." Kat's voice was husky with emotion, and her clenched hands were shaking slightly.

_You're worth every penny_.

It stuck in my throat as she stepped through the window and stood before me expectantly. "So why are you really here?"

I slowly extended my hidden arm and watched her nearly melt when I handed her a gigantic bouquet of cut flowers. She nearly dropped them when I advanced closer and stared at me with dazed eyes and an open mouth. "_Why_?"

Half off at Sam's? I could think of a millon comebacks, but nothing could take away from this one perfect moment of watching her joy as she buried her face in the double peonies.

"Why not?" I said as I touched her face with one hand. It seemed to electrify her, and Kat was suddenly kissing me ferociously, beating at my back with her blooms as her mouth slanted across mine. We collided with the window sill and I sank to sitting position, pulling her into my lap and letting the blooms fall where they may.

*****

AN: Today is a great day. Ferment by Catherine Wheel, perhaps their greatest album, was reissued on import CD today with a bunch of B-sides. The album sounds better than ever, and it informed the writing of this chapter. Go check out their vids on You Tube. They were a great 90's shoegaze band, and their leader is still active in music. The other guys play in 50 Ft. Monster.


	12. Chapter 12

12

Notes: This musical installment is courtesy of The High Violets, Autour de Lucie, Ivy, Grizzly Bear, and the Voyage into Trance compilation.

Sorry it took so long between installments. Between an incredibly busy work week, my birthday, Easter, and getting sick with a cold, I am done for. I figured I would throw down a few more cards, including the reason for the story's title. Will try to post again soon, I promise.

[Mandella]

_My funny Valentine  
Sweet comic Valentine  
You make me smile with my heart  
Your looks are laughable, unphotographable  
Yet you're my favorite work of art_

_My Funny Valentine, Lyrics by Rodgers and Hart, from the musical Babes in Arms_

Jake's has an annual music, art, and poetry festival on Valentine's Day. This year's theme is The Comedy of Love. I came up with the idea that all the music entries could perform different versions of My Funny Valentine, and everyone would win something, even the worst performance. No one should be overlooked, especially on Valentine's Day.

Most of the art house folks I hang with also frequent the GLBT group at school. It's not like I hide my preference, but it never comes up in polite conversation with straight folks. They go on assuming that everyone is like them. I let them live that illusion, because it's my nature. You won't find me up on the pulpit, pounding home my message like Kat did at school. I'm always the one in the background, supporting everyone else and making sure things run smoothly.

But today was was about love, and I was nursing a wounded heart. I've tried not to dwell on it, because I don't harbor fantasies that Kat will suddenly see the error of her ways. Instead, I poured my heart into my art and poetry, and would take the stage to vent that frustration.

If Verona thought he could toss some nickels at me in exchange for sage advice, he was sadly mistaken. I was one of the lovelorn, not Padua's own Abby Van Buren. I might look and act like a doormat, but I was about to pull that rug out from under Spy Boy and Mata Hari.

*****

[SH]

_I am thinking it's a sign  
That the freckles in our eyes are mirror images  
And when we kiss they're perfectly aligned_

_Such Great Heights, lyrics by the Postal Service_

Keith was out toking behind his Mom's daycare van. I leaned out the window of Rachel's truck and said, "Dude, I need a favor."

"Aren't you tired of getting suspended, Verona?" Keith beamed at me as he shambled across the parking lot.

I always loved a day off, even when it meant picking up a paintbrush for the Kat cause. "Not that kind of favor."

"You need a dime or something? Because I have some primo weed."

"Not tonight, but I'll pay you ten to take over your shift for an hour."

Keith guffawed in disbelief. "Are you kidding? I'll need at least twenty to make it worth my while."

I dug into my pocket and hauled out the cash Rachel had pressed into my hand. "This is all I have."

He counted it once, then one more time to be sure. "Fourteen? I make three times that much in tips in an hour."

"You're a bus boy, not the head waiter."

He snickered. "You found me out. My life is over."

"Not yet, but it might be if you don't help me."

"What's in it for you?"

I held up my arms like I was giving praise to a deity. "The Dalai Mama."

That induced another laugh. "Hey, I can't stand in the way of true love."

"It's _not _like that."

"Really? I've known you since kindergarten, and it's always been chicks chasing you."

I couldn't argue with that. "And it gets real old."

"Oh, yeah? Then throw some of it my way."

"Will do, so, maybe you could sneak me in or something. I wouldn't want to get you in trouble."

Keith looked at the back door. "OK, but you go in, do your thing, and get the hell out."

I bumped fists with him. "Deal. And I'll throw in a few chippies for free."


	13. Chapter 13

13

[SH]

One look at me was all it took to scatter the help, which gave me and Keith free rein in the galley. With a laugh, he watched me disappear beneath a plus sized apron and cap. Its owner must have had the proportions of a bowling ball, for I almost rolled down the aisle and struck out before I got to first base. I picked up a gray bus tray (everything was gray, even the not so gently used apron that hung to my knees) and started collecting plates from his section.

As I moved down the aisle, I heard the Stratfords kavetching with Prince Chuck about Obama's many missteps. Two steps closer afforded me a glimpse of Mrs. Dexter, whose body slanted down from a giant rack like an Olympic pipe, something even Shaun White would declare an epic fail. I laughed under my breath as Wally, LaDex, and Chuck rose up in unison and stumbled down the aisle toward the pig trough they called a buffet. I had maybe two minutes before they caught wind of me, so I dropped the bus tray and vaulted over the low wall and right into the warmed up seat next to Kat, whose amazing eyes widened at my attire before she flashed me the Wally look. "I always knew you were a cheap date," she commented as I eyed her heaping plate of shrimp and lo mein.

I picked up my fork and before stabbing into some prime shellfish, I said, "Do you mind?"

"Go for it." She shrugged and started humming the Jeopardy tune as I made short work of her shrimp.

"Not bad," I commented mildly, noting that the three pigs were still piling it high and deep on their plates. "So, what's your escape strategy?"

"Are you kidding?" Kat looked at her watch. "I have at least an hour of penance before Dad cuts me loose."

"Make a few runs to the salad bar," I suggested with a raised brow, daring her to march to something other than Daddy's beat.

"What's in it for me?"

"Besides wilted greens and freezer burn?" I made a face that got her laughing.

"So you noticed that too."

"Hey, even I have standards." It was time to duck and dash, so I leaned in and brushed my lips fully against hers, savoring the taste of soy sauce over cinnamon lip gloss. She pushed back against me and traced my mouth with the tip of her tongue before kicking my shin in warning. I ducked my head and darted away before the good Doctor caught wind of my presence.

[SH}

Kat made her first foray into Salad Land and was fully aware I was checking her back side out as I leaned back against the wall with a grin. When she swung around the corner of the counter, I caught her around the waist and pulled her into the coat room. Her plate went flying as my lips found her neck, and I kicked it out of the way and pulled her deep into one dark corner, my hands sliding down her sides and settling low on her hips as I fit her to me snugly. I found her thrumming pulse and sucked at that spot until she moaned deep in her throat. She turned her face just enough to catch my lips with hers, and deepened the kiss to such an extent that my toes curled inside my boots and I found my fingers grinding into her ass in rhythm with her probing tongue. Kat pushed me back even further until we hit the wall and started to run her foot along the back of my leg. "Umm, maybe we should..."

"Yeah." She sighed and rested her forehead against mine as we caught our collective breath.

Her fingers had somehow found their way under my apron and were tracing patterns on my abs that left trails of fire. When my muscles contracted, she her hand dipped lower and I turned to hot, molten granite. "Not here."

"Later?" Fingernails scraped at my skin and circled my navel.

"Mmm." My murmur turned to a growl as I swooped down and kissed her in a way that I'd only dreamed of. Her hands flew away from my groin and dug into my biceps as she returned the favor, letting me know that she was more than my match in the make-out department. After a prolonged grappling session, I said, "You should go back now."

"What about later?" Kat asked as she swept off my cap and dug her fingers into my scalp.

"Jake's." That earned me a punch as she redirected her hand.

"_Not _what I had in mind."

I rubbed at the spot on my shoulder. "I sort of promised Mandella."

Kat backed away and regarded me a tight smile. "And payback's such a bitch."

"C'mon, we can stay long enough to be polite."

"Since when are you big on manners?"

I traced the word on her forearm with a light touch and smiled when she shivered. "I have no idea. See you around 10," I said confidently as I skirted past her, knowing she would show her face, if only to figure out why Mandella held me in thrall.


	14. Chapter 14

14  
_  
_[Mandella]

A collective sigh and fluttering of hands signaled Verona's arrival at the front entrance. The owner and his boyfriend were all a twitter, and judging from Patrick's face, he was ready to bolt. I rushed toward him and the testosterone fog cleared as I linked my arm with his and yanked him away from his new fan boys.

We stopped at the juice bar and I told Wendy to give him whatever his heart desired. "I'm so sorry about that," I said as we took adjoining seats at the bar.

Patrick shrugged as he took in the banners floating over our heads. "GLBT, huh?"

There were a bunch of straight folks here tonight too. "Partly."

"And you?"

"I'm all about the _L_ word."

A slight smile flitted across his perfect lips, and I suddenly got what all the fuss was about. "_Huh_."

"You didn't know?" I watched the fascinating play of emotions ripple across his jawline.

He took a long sip of his drink before answering. "Never gave it any thought. But, it all makes sense now."

"_What _does?" I was _always _discreet, and nobody knew my secret except my friends here tonight.

"The way you follow her around and hang on every word." Patrick put down his drink and really looked at me as if seeing me for the first time. "Not that I blame you. She's rather..."

"Amazing?"

Patrick laughed. "And _hot_."

My face started to burn at that revelation, a feeling I shared but would never utter aloud. "She doesn't know."

He leaned in close and whispered, "It will be our little secret."

"That's cool, except, I'm performing tonight, and she'll read between the lines."

He shook his head with a smile. "You sure about that? If it's not the Kat Stratford show, she'll probably tune it out."

Yeah, like she had with my English essay. "_Maybe_," I said with a shrug.

I was looking down when he touched my shoulder. "Don't sweat it, M."

The James Bond reference startled me into a giggle. I wrote "Thank Q' on his napkin and waited for his grin to break out once again before hopping down. I held out my palm and said, "That will be five cents please."

Patrick favored me with his smirk. "Sorry, Lucy. I spent my last cent bribing my way into the Golden Lotus."

"Was it worth it?"

"_Totally_."

The barely restrained heat in that single word nearly melted me on the spot. But then I remembered this evening's agenda and steered my mind back to the business at hand. "Good, so you'll have no problem singing a duet with her."

"_What _did you say?"

"You heard me."

"Yeah, well, I suck at singing, so it's not gonna happen."

I dug my fingers into my back pocket and handed him a crumpled set of lyrics. "Oh, yeah, it _totally _is. I've come collecting."

Patrick scanned the paper and scowled at me. "You _can't_ be serious."

"Oh, but I am, and it's so much fun," I replied before moving out of range with a skip in my step.

[SH]

I forgot my annoyance when Mandella took the stage and transfixed the audience with her poetry. Her words vibrated with emotion and sang with the pain of unrequited love. I was stunned by my reaction, for I'd never much cared for haiku, iambic pentameter, or free verse. I'd had my fill of it at the book store whenever Rachel hosted an arts night, but it had never been like this.

Her words spoke of scorching betrayal and the blackness and rage of rejection. She was on the brink of her denouement when Kat showed her face, clearly confused by the sight of her closest friend emoting with such vehemence.

"Remind me not to piss her off," she mumbled as she dropped onto the couch next to me. "You been here long?"

"Long enough." I whispered in her ear, more so I could inhale her spicy scent than caring whether I bugged the art snobs in our midst.

Kat caught me in mid sniff and rolled her eyes. "Personal space, ever heard of it?"

I moved even closer and felt the length of her leg against mine. "Sure, how's this?"

"Jerk." Her elbow dug into my ribs and I finally moved back to my perch.

Mandella finished her diatribe and a fusillade of applause exploded around us. "Wow, who knew that M was a celebrity?"

Kat raised an eyebrow. "What's this M crap?"

I laughed and traced 007 in the air. "Too much Bond as a kid."

"Aww, and here I thought you were weaned on The Avengers."

I liked the thought of being ripped from Emma Peel's chest and leered appreciatively. "_Total _hotness."

"Pig." Kat kicked my foot and I was about to retaliate when Mandella found us.

"You made it," Mandella said with an awkward smile.

"Barely. Dad thinks we're studying for an English lit test."

Mandella nodded appreciatively. "I like it. Have to use that one next time I sneak out to a slam."

Kat moved over to make room for Mandella. "Speaking of which, didn't think you had it in you."

Mandella's eyes narrowed as she tucked a fuchsia strand beind one ear. "Really? Why's that?"

Kat quickly realized she was out of her element here. "You seeme so...contained most of the time. I was just surprised by your energy."

"Were you? Because you really shouldn't be." The challenge in Mandella's voice was unmistakable.

"Why not?"

Mandella rose to her feet. "Because it was all about you."

"_Me_?" Kat's voice squeaked slightly as it all hit home. "Oh my God, it can't be...you're saying you and me? Because I _never_..."

"I _know_," Mandella said. "I get it, OK?"

"I'm so sorry, I didn't realize..." Kat was scrambling for something, anything to say that might make it right with Mandella.

Mandella interrupted, "It's _my _problem, and I'm dealing with it."

Kat's mouth opened and closed before she finally nodded. "So we're cool, right?"

"Not in a million years." I startled them both when I handed over the lyrics to Kat. "After tonight's duet, we're going down in flames."


	15. Chapter 15

15

Note: Sorry this is so short. Life is too busy lately to get much writing done, so I thought I would put this out there in the interim.

[Mandella]

I can't believe what I just did. All my resolve went out the window when I saw them flirting, and bam, it was like someone shot me in that place I called a brain. The usual disconnect between my thoughts and my tongue was gone and it all came flying out.

Damn, it felt so good that I wanted to kick up my heels and celebrate. Could this be the first of 12 steps in my Get Over Kat program? I watched her hands fly as they discussed their duet and I only felt an inner mirth without the overarching anger that had consumed me for the past few months. So, yeah, I think I was definitely on the road to recovery.

"You guys ready for your big moment?" They turned in unison and their disgruntled expressions were perfect mirrors.

"Are you kidding? I haven't practiced, and this just..._blows_." Kat's foot was tapping faster than the trip hammer of my heart.

"But it's the _perfect _song."

Patrick rolled his eyes. "Dude, Donny and Marie? That was old when my Aunt was growing up."

"But the song title...it's Kat's favorite color."

"And that makes it better?" Kat looked down at the lyrics and snorted. "I mean, who sings this crap, 'Sweet lovers we'll always meet, here in my deep purple dreams?' Someone kill me now, _please_."

"With pleasure." A pair of hands landed on my shoulders and turned me into a bear hug. "Mandy, how long has it been?"

I looked up into my ex-girlfriend's eyes and smiled tightly. "Forever." God, I hope she wasn't going to make a scene.

It was all I could do to hold it together as I extricated myself from her hug. With a forced smile, I looked between Kat and Patrick and said, "Guys, this is Dax."

Patrick raised an eyebrow at the name and smirked. "Ah, the original fizzing human bomb."

"Huh?" Dax was all studs and black leather, not a freaky British musician with a predilection for body paint.

"Weird British musician, but that's not important right now. This is Patrick and Kat, my friends from Padua."

Dax acknowledged Patrick with a curt nod, but she was distinctly cool toward Kat. "What's _she _doing here?"

Kat's eyes widened slightly and I saw recognition register on her face as she returned Dax's unfriendly stare with her own formidable glare. "It just gets better and better. Any more surprises, _Mandy_?"

Now they were both pissed at me, and I had no idea why. "You guys have met?"

"Live Bait." Dax looked down her nose at Kat and actually sniffed. "She accosted _me _like I was her long lost friend, then she insulted me."

"Hey, I thought you were someone else." Kat's gaze shifted slightly toward Patrick and I suddenly got it. The resemblance from behind was remarkable, right down to the brand of leather coat and boots.

Dax folded her arms and looked between me and Kat. "_This _is the person that broke your heart?"

I shook my head, maybe a bit too fast. "Nope. She's with him."

"Interesting. So why are they here?"

"To sing for us."

Dax actually smiled at this news. "Well, this should be fun. I'm replacing Tim as one of the judges."

"Oh, goody." Kat tossed down the lyric sheet and turned on her heel, pushing through the crowd to put as much distance between herself and her antagonist.


	16. Chapter 16

16

[SH]

Kat was nursing a glass of water (tap, not sewer) when I found her at the bar. She put it down with more force than necessary and said, "I can't do this."

"Sure you can." I wrapped my long legs around the stool next to her and picked up an unused straw. While she took another sip, I blew the straw paper and watched it sail over the bar and onto the bald head of a dude who looked disturbingly like Dr. Stratford from the back. As he flicked it off in annoyance, I smirked and added, "I mean, you can actually sing, while I am a hopeless cause."

She nodded (girls were supposed to stroke the ego, not kick it to the curb) before frowning at the judges assembling near the stage. "So tell me again how you got roped into this."

I turned it back on her. "Only if you tell me what went down with _Dax_."

Kat laid her head in her hands and sighed. "It's like I said before, mistaken identity."

"And who was _she _supposed to be?"

A laugh sputtered out from between her fingers. "_You_."

With a straight face, I said, "Really? Some chick is out there copping my style and you didn't tell me?"

Her dark eyes peeked over one hand and she totally knew I was bullshitting her. "Are you kidding? I've seen the same ensemble on half the punks at the skate park."

"Ooh, I'm wounded." I pretended to fall over from an arrow and came back upright with a grin. "Look, I know a good style when I steal one, and so does the Dax man."

Kat grimaced at my bad pun, and it wasn't even April 15th. "Noted, so why does _M_ have you by the short hairs?"

I touched her forearm and let my fingers drift down the softness of her arm. "Why do you think?"

"She's a saboteur, and you're a collaborator."

"Yeah, so?"

"It didn't help your cause."

"With you, or Daddy Dearest?"

She swatted my hand away. "Both of us."

"Aw, c'mon, what's it gonna take?" I couldn't believe she was still putting me off.

"Walking away with first prize. Are you up for it?"

Oh, I was up for something, but it wasn't performed upright. "Sure. Anything else?"

Kat leaned in close. "If we pull this off, a certain window may stay unlocked."

Every part of me now stood at attention. "Better not let that get out to Dex and Dax."

Her lips brushed my cheek. "That has a certain ring to it. Should we introduce them?"

My laugh lasted right up to the point when Mandella materialized in front of us and said, "You're up."

****

Note: Yes, I know it's short. So is my time, every day and all night. I want to finish this story, and I know the ending. Anyway, here is a transitional scene.


	17. Chapter 17

17

Note: Please excuse the Monty Python reference in here. I couldn't help myself.

[Mandella]

Patrick hissed, "Why does everyone else get to sing My Funny Valentine?"

"Because I make the rules," I reminded him.

"Your teeth are showing."

I held up my hand with its black-tipped nails. "That's nothing, just wait till you see my claws."

Kat pulled a scared face. "Ooh, we're petrified."

"Watch it, or I'll sic Dax on you."

"Too late." Patrick pointed over at the judge's table, where Dax and the other judge were snickering (better than farting) in our general direction. As Kat passed them, she hip checked the table and grinned as Dax's drink sloshed all over her.

"Was that really necessary?" I asked as I wedged myself between Kat and the hissy fit Dax was about to throw.

"Yeah, it kind of was," Kat said, her lips curling triumphantly as my fuming ex called a time-out and darted off to clean up.

"You'll regret that," Patrick said.

"Will I?" Kat looked up like she was giving it great thought. "Nope."

"How do you sleep at night?" I adjusted the mics for them and crossed my eyes at Kat behind her back.

"On my left side."

"You're freaking hilarious, but I bet you won't be laughing when the crowd tears you to shreds."

Kat looked out at the crowd and at the rapidly approaching Dax. "Better them than her."

"Break a leg," I said before scurrying away to my post at the front of the crowd.

[SH]

I am the worst singer on the face of the planet. This always startles people when they hear me speak, for they automatically assume it carries over to sexy crooning. Croaking is more like it, and even that is pushing it. No, I sounded way more like that dude from Leatherface than Old Blue Eyes.

Kat had a sudden attack of stage fright, so I took over and said, "Hey, how you all doing?" There was a round of booing and I smirked at their reaction. "Great. So you'll be totally down with some Donny and Marie."

A gob of spit landed near Kat's feet and I realized it had come from the judge's table. "Back at ya, Dax man," Kat crowed with her middle finger extended.

"Down, girl," I said as the music started up, surrounding us with the overproduced, 70's sound that was so near and dear to my heart. When her dark eyes snapped at me, I added, "Keep that fire contained until you really need it."

"Yeah, and when will that be?"

"Later tonight, when I storm the castle."

The words started scrolling up and Kat choked back a laugh and started singing softly into the mic, mouthing sentiments so purple that I felt cavities hovering on the dental horizon.

_When the __deep__purple__ falls  
Over sleepy garden walls  
And the stars begin to twinkle in the sky  
In the mist of a memory you wander back to me  
Breathing my name with a sigh  
_  
More like mouth breathing, her head thrown back in a drunken snore as she lay passed out in my arms at her party. I reveled in that memory until Kat hissed at me to pay attention.

It was my turn, and my voice came out all strangled as I tried to force my words out. My face was screwed up as I scanned the lyrics in continued disbelief, and that is when the first wave of laughter rippled through the crowd, pushing back the disgruntled patrons who tossed Donny and Marie out with the Partridge Family and the Carpenters. I decided that spoken word worked better, so with a smirk, I read off the lyrics in a flat monotone that was punctuated by a bunch of eye rolls and heavy sighs.

_In the still of the night once again I hold you tight  
Though you're gone  
Your love lives on when moonlight beams  
And as long as my heart will beat  
Sweet lovers we'll always meet  
Here in my __deep__purple__ dreams_

Mandella was standing front and center and her hands were clasped as she watched the two of us with delirious joy, looking almost manic as she hopped from one foot to the other. She wagged her finger at us and settled back down when Kat returned to the script and spoke the next stanza.

The song finally came to an end and to my surprise, the applause managed to drown out the detractors, who stood behind Mandella with down-turned thumbs and cries of 'You blow'.

Kat leaned against me and we flopped forward in a rough bow before staggering down the stairs and flopping at an empty table Mandella had saved for us. "You guys were awesome," Mandella gushed. "You had them in stitches."

"Naw, that's just the Frankenstein dude on the podium," I drawled, pointing up at the flat-headed goon with the sporty, Herman Munster look. "Where do you get these guys, Central Casting?"

Kat shook her head. "More like Monsters, Inc."

"So I think you nailed it," Mandella said as she put a hand on each of our shoulders.

"Yeah? You think they'll sign us?" I asked lightly.

"Some other day maybe. But your rendition fit our theme perfectly." I looked up and smiled as Mandella flashed her red Comedy of Love tee-shirt.

"So this was all a setup."

"Of course it was," Kat said, looking over at the judges and clearly wondering what was taking so long. "And we only half sucked."

"Thanks!" I tossed a sugar packet at her, which she lobbed back, scoring a direct hit on my cheek.

"Now, children, play nice," Mandella said.

Kat looked at her watch. "How much longer does this go on? I have to get home."

"You were the last act, so anytime now." She finally got to her feet when Dax got up and moved in our direction.

She handed Mandella an envelope and before turning on her heel, she looked at me and said. "Your girlfriend is a bitch, but I have to say, you surprised me with your..._original _spin of that tune."

We all watched her return to Frankendude before Mandella said, "Wow, you must have really impressed her. She never compliments anyone."

More like damning with faint praise. "I'm overcome...really."

Mandella looked over her shoulder as she started up the stairs to the stage. "Behave, or I'll throw you to the lions."

"Oh, would you, could you?" I said with my patented smirk.

She tapped the mic and the crowd quieted down. "We have a lot of awards to give out tonight, but there's one act in particular that I'd like to mention. For Most Original Performance, I'd like to award this gift certificate to Kat Stratford and Patrick Verona, for their rousing rendition of Deep Purple."

Mandella leaned down and handed us the envelope. "Congratulations."

"Thanks," Kat said, throwing me the hairy eyeball as she inspected the gift certificate. "Now we don't have to chew and screw."

I leaned over and whispered, "You sure about that?" My breath tickled the fine hairs fanning her face and I could almost feel the heat coursing through her.

As we slipped through the crowd, she said, "Only the eating part."

[SH]

I watched her car until the tail lights disappeared into the distance. This night had been way more fun than I'd expected, even with Kat the Brat going after Dax (Stephanie Daxos) with claws extended. Kat could be difficult on the best of days, but I didn't care. I'd take her any way I could get her, sweaty and greasy, puking her guts out with food poisoning, or perfectly packaged at the fall fling.

There was a quick stop I needed to make before I ended my night's journey at a certain window, hoping that it would be open to welcome me into her life. Because it wasn't only about winning Kat's heart, it was all about earning her Dad's seal of approval. Yeah, the slide shows were getting old, but I could deal.

So with a carefully placed saddle bag on my bike, I rode slowly (for me) over to chez Stratford, and was greeted by a single, second floor light. It was a simple matter to scramble up the trellis with my prize, and lo and behold, the window was thrown open wide. Before stepping in, I surveyed the premises and smiled at the sight of Kat sacked out in her chair, a book lying open on her chest as she snoozed.

I snuck through with the stealth I'd acquired from my many conquests, and placed my gift on the table next to Kat. I touched her face with my hand and she murmured something under her breath. A moment later, I heard my name, uttered with a warmth I'd rarely heard from her.

"Yeah, it's me, Sleeping Beauty."

Kat squinted at me and swore at the time. "You can't be here at this hour."

"Really? 'Cuz the window was kind of open."

She snapped her fingers. "Damn, I knew I forgot something." A hint of a smile hovered on her lips and it was all I could do not to kiss her senseless. "So out with it. Why are you here..._again_?"

I looked over at the table and watched her gaze shift over in that direction. The slight tension dissipated as pure delight replaced it. With a laugh, Kat cocked her head and asked, "How did you...how could you know?"

"Bianca has a big mouth," I said with a casual shrug.

Kat picked up the pot and her smile widened as she gazed down at the tiny blooming cactus, offered to me by Rachel when I'd picked out all those flowers. "It's perfect," she said softly.

I leaned in and planted a kiss on Kat's upturned lips. "Indeed it is."

And with that, the night folded in on me and my cactus.

The End

Note: Thanks for reading, everyone. And sorry it took so long to finally get to the ending. This final installment was fueled by Bob Mould, Nada Surf, Leatherface, Fields, Sloan, and Catherine Wheel. 


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